you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
