Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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