All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
