Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
