Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
