He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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