wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
