my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
