On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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