the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
