How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
