Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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