i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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