Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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