I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
