I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
