I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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