Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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