I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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