The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
