i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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