Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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