For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
