why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
