Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
