your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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