Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
