I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
