At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
