when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
