we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Floor bacon is actually really good
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
