Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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