i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
