when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I need help removing her.
I looked at my own cervix.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
