take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
