Christians are straight up FREAKS
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
