Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
