im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We need to get me chipped asap
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
