I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
