fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
