U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just threw up on my dentist
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
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