So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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