Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
