He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
