so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Someone came in the potted fern
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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