Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
