one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
