We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
