i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
