He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
All I want is dick and wine.
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